and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
