The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
