when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
