Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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