Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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