I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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