He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
