i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
