dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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