Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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