We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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