Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
