next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
