My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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