She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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