you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
