he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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