Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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