i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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