Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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