I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
