Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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