I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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