I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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