The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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