The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
