This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
