he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
