I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
organizing the empties. That sober.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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