Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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