Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
