So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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