I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
