I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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