I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
