the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
