i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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