I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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