so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
