I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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