I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
