mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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