well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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