I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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