i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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