i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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