Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
