You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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