I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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