I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
