i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
