I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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