Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my liver is dry heaving
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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