I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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