i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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