The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
