Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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