remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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