My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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